Validation Unneeded

I will sum this article up in 1 sentence. If you judge people for color, sexuality, gender identity, status or religious preference you are an ass hole. This morning I had a conversation that ignited this topic in my mind. The topic was I suddenly feel like people are just humoring me. Telling me what I want to hear. Treating me with kid gloves. Let’s expand on this shall we?

This last week has been an enormous struggle for me. I’m 50 days out from my life affirming surgeries and I’m working non stop since October. I’m having anxiety about it but given my place in the community keep quiet about it. From the outside looking in I appear the vision of strength. The truth is I’m scared. It’s a lot to go through at once and between that, my non stop working and issues with my children's mental stability this has not been a fun week. So I ducked out of view. I’ve seen girls get eviscerated for showing much less and especially the lauded surgery topic. I’m supposed to feel nothing but gratitude. So I’m grateful.

What is dysphoria? Well it can be any number of things in this instance a perceived non acceptance through not so believable acceptance. In my journey I’ve often times found especially at work people state they are supportive but my door isn’t being beaten down either. I no longer exist in male spaces and I don’t know how to be in girl spaces so I’m in my own spaces. Not much has changed in that regard. Early in life I learned some very harsh but critical lessons about how people interact which forged my honesty but also my distance. If you feel I’m not really right there with you then you are right I’m not. Only a select few ever penetrate my inner circle.

A prime example is and this happens frequently enough. I never get misgendered on calls at work for all intents and purposes the members that call in fully believe they are speaking to a grown on a tree woman. I was only my old self in August and September of 2017 it’s now February 2019. Most of the people working here have only known me as Keira. They have never seen this other person and I’m out loud and proud as transgender so everyone knows or think they know. I’ve often felt I’m not viewed as a woman from little slip ups in interactions but the biggest tell all is when I call for help and get sir’d or some other reminder of my biological prison status. Often times this is not followed by an apology. And I go hmmmnnnn. Okay. Gotcha.

Now in the early days this would derail me and ruin whole days. I could never articulate in words how much I despise my natal part and being forced to live as such. I could explain many, many things but honestly at this point I’m done explaining. Either accept me or don’t let’s not play games. The underlying truth is I don’t care what you see. Your opinions and validation are meaningless to me. It feels good to be acknowledged but I am also jaded and it takes a lot of effort for me to believe anyone these days.

In my youth I never knew acceptance. My adoptive grandparents beat me relentlessly and my peer group tortured me. I was insulted and physically abused at the community church I was forced to attend and I grew a distrust of people as early as age 5. After being found out and that whole debacle it’s a wonder I made it to 45. It was a hard shit life. Being an effeminate presenting boy in a world of man’s men is excruciating to navigate when you are a foreigner on enemy soil. I got through it somehow. Here is the visual evidence from one of my stays in mental health. I fell down some stairs because I was “clumsy” and in paragraph 2 it outlines the relentless harassment I endured at the hands of my peer group.

Intense PTSD therapy has helped me become unstuck from this past but it’s done absolutely nothing for my trust issues. As I grew into an extremely angry young whatever I separated from society deliberately. I joined up with the metal head contingent and never looked back. So essentially I have been viewed as less than or an outcast for the entirety of my existence in this world. So what makes now any different? I’m happier as me. The downside is I know from looks or weirdness in interactions. I just prefer not to deal with it so I choose to insulate myself and stay relatively isolated and that way no one can take issue.

At work I’ve had full lease to use the women's bathroom since 2017. I choose to use the single stalls and it’s not for your benefit. It’s because I don’t feel safe in there. I know exactly how people are. Anyone can make up any story at any time and it’s word against word. Therefore I am on camera walking to the front of the building on opposite sides of anyone not interacting. No one will stand in the way of my goals. Once surgery is complete. Idgaf. I’ll be damned if I lose my job over hearsay previous to them paying for my shit.

In closing I live on the outside of everything and always have therefore opinions and views mean nothing to me in regards to my transition. I’m doing what I want for the first time in my life. And this is for me. I selfishly admit that. I may never come to know actual acceptance outside my dear community and I’m okay with that. I’ll continue to be in public and speak and be positive but this statement today is as real as it gets. I don’t trust people to not try to hurt me. And in all likelihood never will. Your validation means nothing to me. View me as a woman, view me as a man idgaf. You will never stop me.

Fin.

Keira Kristine
02/02/2019

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