There Was a Paedophile in My Family

Outing an abuser doesn’t ruin their lives. They will have groomed people other than the children they abuse and often this ensures their protection.

My grandfather frightened me. And it wasn’t just me who was terrified of him. He seemed to have a hold over everyone, even grown men who were much bigger and stronger than him. It was an unspoken rule in the family to never upset him. So when I suggested his behaviour towards myself and the other children in the family was “pervy”, I quickly learned to never suggest that ever again.

The stereotype of an abuser in the family is that they are manipulative and seem normal — “just like everyone else.” When it’s revealed that all along they have been hurting people, everyone is shocked. They seemed so loving. They seemed so nice. They seemed like the last person who could be capable of hurting anyone.

My grandfather never fit that stereotype.

He didn’t try to hide that he was sexually inappropriate. He was what the adults in my family affectionately described as “a dirty old man”. He was constantly touching other women, groping them, and making suggestive remarks. This was seen as an endearing trait, even by some of the women he was touching. “He means no harm”, “He’s only playing”, and “People need to learn to take a joke” were phrases repeated through the years. And their repetition protected him because he was allowed to get away with this behaviour for a very long time.

It was common knowledge that he used to beat my grandmother and his children. I grew up hearing stories of how he would beat my father as a child, going as far as to break his nose. Once he even pressed my father’s face…

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