A Call for Unity

Trump Impersonation

America is a beautiful, diverse nation. Yet somehow, over the past 30 months, we have become too divided. Tonight, I want to unite all Americans, from our crying Jewish senators to some very fine Nazis, as we forge a common future together.

I want to celebrate pieces of America that unite us all: the majority opinion in Korematsu v. United States, ICE agents, eating pizza with a fork and knife, Robert E. Lee. Because America is greatest when its people are united around a 2,000 mile wall between us and our third-largest trading partner.

Americans must come together, be you a lying Gold Star family, or a treasonous political rival.

Our leaders — including a senator I choose to call Pocahontas for some reason, a sheriff I pardoned who tortured people and committed contempt of court, and my own daughter and son-in-law who literally capitalize off of their roles as a presidential advisers — must unite to overcome partisanship and fix our common problems. Like infrastructure. Partisanship is why Democrats will not support a reinvestment in roads and bridges with funding tied to putting Hispanic family pets in internment camps. Partisanship was why Democrats would not support bankrupting the social safety net, throwing millions off of health insurance, and renaming the Statue of Liberty, “Statue of Pig Rosie O’Donnell.” Partisanship isn’t what America needs right now.

When so many Americans are suffering, now is not the time to be divided over privatizing kleptocrats and stolen Supreme Court justices. Right now, the opioid crisis is hurting all Americans. I call for universal health care and addiction treatment for all white Americans. Further, we need to bring back the War on Drugs in the inner city. Because there are no red states and blue states, there is only the United States of America.

Of course, partisanship is also a problem in our media. We fall into our media camps that reinforce our predetermined opinions on Islamophobic Britain First videos. There is no individual media outlet to blame, and I call on all three media outlets in America — fake news, Lügenpresse, and Fox and Friends — to focus on reporting for the good of the American people.

I also call on my beautiful wife Melania to heal our divisions. I know things have been difficult — one of us bribed a porn star to cover up an affair around when our child was born, the other has raised our child — but we must learn to forgive each other. Unity means putting aside whatever hush money divides us, for the sake of the family. For the sake of America.

Finally, I call on all bad hombres, nasty women, birthers, thugs, cucks, and my nuclear family to celebrate those pieces of America that unite us all. Thank you, and God bless the United States of America First.

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