Selfish Parenting

We become parents because of a child- however that child comes into our lives. But when we become parents, a thousand other personalities, responsibilities, accountabilities, emotions, and frustrations rapidly develop- sometimes out of our control or consent. We become selfish in a different way- where only we can do everything because we know everything, but being a selfish parent is different than selfish parenting, read on.

This is titled “Selfish Parenting” because it plants the seed that we have the right to be selfish. If it was titled “Selfless Parenting” the continued pressure to do anything and everything for everyone but yourself would not go away, and youʻd probably feel more guilty every time you did something for yourself.

As parents, and this probably applies to those with natural maternal instincts, we feel the everything has to be given up to accommodate new lives in the house, new routines, new chaos- and the more we succumb to that, the more foggy our brains get, we forget about ourselves, we feel guilt set it.

What I learned after I had my twins was amazing. While I made all the time in the world for them, woke up a thousand times a night for them, and when it became overwhelming, I did one better for me- I asked for help. I sat for a moment one morning, bawling, and asked myself “if I call a friend, am I any less of a parent?” and asking myself that made me realize I was human. I called a friend and asked her to come help me while my husband was coaching that morning. One step at a time. 99% of the time I still tried to do everything, but that 1% where I left to ask for help, was far more impactful and helped keep a sane sense of self.

Another hard thing I had to realize is I actually have a spouse whose help I could leverage. What was I afraid of? I didnʻt want to inconvenience his schedule and yet I expected him to just know what I needed. But that wasnʻt who he was, and who I was was someone who knew what I needed, so I slowly started asking for help from my own husband- it made me feel more of a mom and wife that could be more available and present because I relinquished some of the control and fear and also could see that I could build more trust and strengthen our new relationship as parents.

Over the next few months, my husband and I had an understanding of what was needed. Maybe a few evenings I could gym while he put the kids to bed. Maybe I can break away for a few hours to get my hair done. We tell ourselves this vanity is not important, but it is. We tend to push ourselves so far back that we unconsciously expect our spouses to keep up our self-esteem by paying us compliments, learning to read our minds and needs and further get upset and frustrated when they donʻt. But if you realize you are human, use your resources and trust yourself, youʻll find that mentally, youʻre better equipped to be the parent you want to be.

Be selfish enough to ask for help. Be selfish enough to sleep in. Be selfish enough to know youʻre human.

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