Just Being

It was past midnight and I just couldn’t sleep. The stillness of the night was interrupted by the shrill sound of the locomotive engine whistle piercing the night on the nearby train tracks. Strangely it was reassuring. I had felt so lonely.

The day had been a mixed blessing. It started off well with a loving send off from my wife. The drive to work was sedate and tiring of the news loop on NPR, I had put on a CD with updates on lung cancer. When I got tired of the “babbling buffoons” on the CD, I just turned it off and drove the rest of my drive in silence. The morning drive was serene and calming. It generally helped my nerves before I entered the clinic and the oncologist in me emerged. Then began a hectic 8–9 hours on non stop action with a constant flow of patients and their myriad problems. My mind has to be in the right place for me to deliver the goods. Today was a wonderful day.

The day went well enough. Between handling phone calls from the hospital; the questions from nurses; the patient complaints and seeing my active patients with cancer and a few new patients, I was in the zone. Even though we had to mask the whole day due to the pandemic,it did not bother me too much.

On the drive home, I learnt the sad news that a good friend’s wife passed away unexpectedly. She was only 50 years old. Even though my work as an oncologist reminds me constantly of the very fragile nature of life, I couldn’t help being sad.

My brooding nature emerged as I absorbed the news. The eternal questions of : who we are? What is our purpose and where we are going ? These questions have haunted me like most humans for a very long time. Usually I managed to keep myself distracted enough to keep them suppressed. Loss like this and reminder of my own mortality brought it to the forefront.

My ever seeking nature had taken me to quantum physics. It had me completely stumped. But it also opened doors that I never knew existed. My mental view of our universe has undergone a sea change since I learnt about it from a NOVA program on PBS. Now I was completely fascinated and could not get enough of it. It laid bare the amazing possibilities of the malleable nature of time and space. “ Spooky action at a distance” reminded us how we are all connected” . It shook the very foundation of my fixed mindset. Our perceived world is a giant mirage that each person creates in their own reality. Even though it made my head hurt thinking about it, the possibilities were endless and tantalizing .

Like most people, I have very fixed ideas. My fixed mindset made it hard for me to adjust to the changing times. However when we got down to the very foundations of reality as we best understood it, it was amazing. The absolute miracle and improbability of being here and experiencing this is simply mind blowing. Sometimes it is good to remind ourselves of this amazing fact. The purpose we assign to life is our own. Enjoy this brief journey made possible by a confluence of factors.This allowed me possibilities of just being. Just be here and now. Enjoy the mystery and the ride. The destination is “Just being here”.

It’s good enough for me.

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