Nothing to See Here.

I have always been a lazy person. But there are a few things I have never felt lazy about. Like reading.

Lately I have been having a reader’s block (on top of my writing block). And as much as I try, I can’t seem to pick up my old pace. I am struggling with my reading. And when I say struggling, I mean I have only read 10 books this year, which is pretty much slacking off compared to what I was like before. And don’t take me wrong, I am not bragging, but imagine an athlete getting lazy with their training. That’s how I feel.

When the quarantine started, I made a resolution that I will become more productive, a promise I broke even before my country officially declared a state of emergency. I signed up for a few online courses, naively assuming I would choose to do them instead of playing Scrabble on my phone.

But I want to talk about the last book I read — “Nothing to See Here” by Kevin Wilson.

And I want to talk about it because it was short and exciting enough to wake me up a bit. Long story short, Lillian, who is a bit of a mess, is invited to be a governess for her old high school friend’s newly acquired stepchildren. Lillian has nothing to lose and her friend Madison is rich and beautiful, so what could go wrong? Well. There is a catch. The twins, Roland and Bessie, catch on fire as soon as they get over-emotional or agitated. This is the real-life equivalent of pulling out that “spontaneous human combustion” card in Cards Against Humanity.

I have grown to love books where everyone is a mess. Because isn’t that how life works? Everyone in this book is damaged in a certain way, had some losses and hardships. Even seemingly perfect Madison, who is as rich and pretty as they go, has some darkness to fight off. But also, everyone in this book is coping, which for me was the essence of it. As much as we pretend that someone has it better than us, we have to admit that it doesn’t really matter. Because it’s not them who do our coping. Someone can, of course, help us catch on fire a little bit less often, but it’s up to us to learn breathing exercises and do our yoga. And hopefully at some point it will be better. Also, learn to accept help.

There is a wonderful scene in the library when the children are worried about standing out. I will try to get into it without spoiling it too much: some sneaking around absolutely takes place.

For the children who have spent their lives being miserable, the idea of being invisible is suddenly refreshing. After one incident in the book, which is definitely a spoiler, you as a reader realize that it is true: nothing to see here. How many times have I walked around worrying about the way my hair looks and meanwhile no one noticed a thing? Essentially, all we care about ourselves, and sometimes it’s not a bad thing.

This book made me think about what is happening to me now. The world is a child on fire and I am a Madison, sitting in my safe house waiting for someone else to do something about it. So, what is my coping mechanism? The answer is easy: reading. In 2016 I read 91 books and looking back at that year I must admit that I was a bit depressed. I rarely left my dorm room, stopped talking to people and just gobbled up books no matter size, genre, or language. That year I went back to being my teenage self — my nose always stuck in a book. My reading slowed down when last year I met my boyfriend (hey Ben!). And my theory, and it’s just a theory as I’m no psychologist, is that the happier I am the less I read. My relationship makes me comfortable enough to stop hiding myself in various fantasy worlds looking for a perfect excuse to not talk to people. The next question is why am I not reverting back to my old trusted coping mechanism when the world is in the state of pandemic?

I guess it is just my brain’s way of trying to ignore the problem. I guess it’s my brain’s way of saying: Nothing to see here.

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